A Bit Excessive, I Know

You know you love me :) So here is my test from today. Darker as you can see!!! Hubby is starting to get excited, but still cautiously waiting on the beta. I promise I'm not going to continue to put this up everyday, just wanted to show this one too! I'm proud, what can I say?

4 Weeks!

I know I'm a goober, but by God I'm going to milk this for all it's worth! My beautiful second line is progressively getting darker, and I am finally able to capture it on my camera to show you guys! Here they are, all lined up for you:

I am dying for Thursday to get here! On a non-pregnancy cycle, I would have been due to start my period either yesterday or today. But I have had nothing show up, so I'm hoping and praying it doesn't! I have been feeling kind of "twingey" in my uterus area. Not really crampy, more twingey. But I do have a story for you...

We all know the progesterone shots go in the muscle in the bum. Well my left bum was off limits for awhile cause the dear husband went a bit too close to the middle and I swear he hit bone. So that was verrrry sore and has a knot on it still. So for two day after that, I did my own shot but can only do it on the right bum since I'm right handed. Well Saturday I woke up in the afternoon all hot and cranky and needing to pee (frequent urination??). Turns out hubby wasn't home, and never came back home before I left for work that evening. So I couldn't do the left one by myself, and the right one was getting pretty sore. I really didn't want to subject any of my coworkers to my "cheeks", so I figured I would do it in my thigh since that is also a place you can give IM shots. So in the right thigh I go, the needle didn't really hurt. But shortly after injecting the medicine....oh my dear Lord. I of course did it right before I had to run out the door for work, so I proceeded to hobble around grabbing my bags and whatnot to leave. Then the rest of the night I suffered as my thigh proceeded to throb and ache. It's kind of like that ache right before you get a muscle cramp.

Don't worry about hubby though, he was merely out with a friend. I put him through a nice guilt trip for leaving me high and dry on the shot, and he vowed to never do it again. Well that was Saturday, and today is Monday, and yes it still throbs. So we are back to the cheeks, lesson learned. Note to self: do NOT inject progesterone into thighs.

Not Too Proud to Eat my Words

Evidently my bout of self pity made a difference, because the very next day (Friday) I got a faint second line. Yes ladies and gentlemen, those elusive second lines do exist!!!!! So after my excitement started to build while doing endless research on the internet, I took another one later that day. Same result, faint second line. Too faint to photograph unfortunately, my camera does NOT like close up pictures.

Soooo this morning after I got home from work I took another one and let it kind of dry while I took off my makeup and stuff. I put it next to the one from yesterday, and it is definitely darker than yesterdays!! I am now officially the most pregnant I have ever been before! I am still trying to keeps my hopes in reserve until I at least get two good betas and an affirmative ultrasound. But I am a worrier, I think I will always be fearing the "worst" that could happen. It is a side effect of working in the ICU where people come in who actually have the "worst" happening to them.

I have searched through tons of stories and experiences and research on the internet about chemical pregnancies and whatnot, and most all of them say that if it is positive and then consecutively negative, that is most likely a chemical pregnancy. So I will continue to test everyday until my beta on Oct. 16, and monitor for that damn second line!! But until then, I'm putting this on here because I don't know if I'll be able to use it later on. Humor me people :)

7 Days Past 3 Day Transfer

Nothing much going on with me, yes I'm weak and I've been taking an HPT everyday starting day 4 past transfer. Yes they have all been BFN. My pain is gone, but with my shot yesterday I think my hubby got my hip bone cause it hurt sooooooo bad when he did it, and now there is a knot at the site and my hip hurts. *Sigh*

I don't know if my moodiness should be a good sign, or a sign that AF is going to show up soon. I have been very cranky, and mostly depressed and hopeless. I know it's too soon to tell, it's not the HPT getting me down. I just have this premonition if you will, that it didn't work. I hope to God that it did, and I know I've done everything right. I just don't feel like it worked. It's more psychological than physical. I hope to be proved wrong next Thursday.

This is what my kitty Cuddles was doing...

So a BIG thank you to all of the people who have been praying for me and supporting me on here, and in real life :). I truly do appreciate it. This has been a very hard time for me, and I am ready for the next 7 days to fly by. If anything else happens before the 16th I will post an update, but I'm not expecting it to so check back then!!!!!

Not What I Wanted to Hear.

I got the call today from the doctor's office about my leftover embryos and if they were able to be frozen at all. They were not. Not one of them. I'm pretty distraught about it, I'm hoping this is not an indication of how well the two they transferred will do. I've got 9 1/2 more days until my beta and I swear this will be the death of me. I feel so much pressure now if this does work, because if we lost the baby, there is no "do-over". And if it doesn't work, then that embryo picture just cost me $15,000 dollars because insurance did NOT cover any of my stuff.

So I'm in limbo here, trying so hard to stay optimistic. I've read about several people whose first IVF did not work, but then the frozen embryo transfer worked. I have no second chance. I really do not think we will do this again if it is unsuccessful because that is just so much money, and we could adopt and have a child for that. But I don't think I'm ready to give up on being pregnant just yet.

As for me, I'm slowly getting better. The abdominal swelling is finally going down, and the pain is almost gone.

Please keep us in your prayers through this very hard and taxing time, we need all of the help we can get!

Post-Transfer and Baby Pic!

Sorry I didn't get on till today, my computer is upstairs and I have been stationed downstairs. The transfer went well, it was in the same room that my retrieval was in. We got the embryo picture first off, and Nick was able to hold my hand the entire time. Before the procedure started and we were in the room alone, I said a prayer for us that the next two weeks will pass quickly and be successful.

After confirming placement of the catheter in my uterus, the doctor inserted the embryos, then made sure none were still in the syringe. After they called all clear, he removed the speculum and had me lay there for about 15 minutes before I could go pee. Then we were free to go, but he advised that I lay down in the backseat on the way home, LOL. The rest of the day I vegged out on the couch (which has now caused my back to hurt) and took it easy.

I can't believe we are already to this point!!! Next week I will be busy, so hopefully the next two weeks go by fast. Our official test date when they will do the HCG blood draw is on October 16. Everyone, please keep us in your prayers, and thank you to those who have been.

I don't ask for much, I just want to be a mama!

The Big Day...

I just got the call from Dr. Haas, and there are two embryos that are doing the best out of all of them, so we are going to go ahead and do the transfer tomorrow afternoon!!! I will be getting a picture, and he said we will freeze the leftover ones that make it to the blastocyst stage. I'm so excited!!! This had better work cause I really don't want to go through another egg retrieval. It has not been fun. But we do what we have to do, and I will blog tomorrow about how it goes.

Keep me in your prayers!

13 is the Lucky Number!

Let me just start off by saying that Dr. Haas is awesome. He truly cares about how I'm doing! He called me this morning at 7:30am just to check and see how I was feeling!

I got the first official report on my future babies a little bit ago, and here it is:

• Out of 21 eggs, 17 were mature
• 1 was abnormally large and discarded
• 16 received the ICSI
• 13 fertilized
• 8 of the 13 are really good
• 5 of the 13 are ok

I will get another report tomorrow afternoon, and he still thinks we will most likely do the transfer this Saturday. So right now I have 13 babies in a lab! I can't believe it's almost happening...

As for me, my soreness is slightly better today but the catheter thing still sucks. Progesterone shot #2 was today and it doesn't really hurt so I'm happy about that. I just can't wait till the day I do my beta test!!

Wow. I'm Really Sore.

Where to begin...this morning was my retrieval. So after working 12 hours last night, I drove all the way home to get my stuff and my husband, then drove all the way back to the Dr. I was sooo nervous, but they were really good about explaining everything to me as they went along. They took me back to a room where I changed and they started an IV and hooked me up to a monitor (my first ever IV by the way). The anesthesiologist came in and told me what drugs they were going to use, and what to expect when we got into the procedure room. Now since I'm an ICU nurse, I'm very familiar with sedative drugs. The cocktail I got was Versed, Fentanyl, and Propofol. I was very surprised to hear the Propofol because that is a drip that almost everyone on a ventilator in my ICU is on! So now I get to go to work and tell everyone I've had it, lol.

Dr. Haas then came in and explained the procedure to Nick and I, and reminded us what to watch out for afterwards at home. He told us some swelling and soreness is normal, but it should get better not worse. Then they wheeled me back and sent Nick off to the waiting room. The last thing I remember is the doctor putting the speculum in! Next I woke up back in the first room and the nurse was sitting with me and writing down my vital signs. I do believe I began talking her leg off when I woke up, so that was pretty funny. Nick did his business, then Dr. Haas came in to tell us how it went.

He started off by saying they got 21--yes, TWENTY-ONE eggs!!!! He was only expecting 10-12!! So we are very excited about that. Then he proceeded to say that there was some bad news...evidently my bladder is larger than normal (probably due to my non-peeing at work) and they had trouble getting to my right ovary so they most likely punctured my bladder in the process. He said it's not all that uncommon, but he consulted a urologist to get his opinion. The urologist said it would be best for me to get a catheter put in for a few days to keep my bladder empty and keep pressure off of the puncture so it would heal faster. I was NOT pleased to hear this (I've never had a catheter either), but I told him all I cared about was the eggs.

After everything was said and done, the nurse walked us down to the car and we headed to the urologist's office a few blocks away. Of course the nurse had just gone to lunch, so we had to wait 30 minuted in the waiting room. I was getting pretty miserable at that point. The pain started out being kind of like period cramps, but now it's pretty much like my organs have been punched and then juggled in a circus show. So yeah, they put the catheter in (I think they used the biggest one they could find) and attached it to a leg bag that goes underneath my clothes.

As soon as we got home I made Nick go and fetch some Arby's because I was sooo freakin hungry. I have since been taking my pain medicine every 3 hours because otherwise it hurts so much to even cough or sit up/down. I am hoping that I feel better tomorrow. The catheter isn't too bad, but I don't intend on leaving the house with it. I can take it out on Thursday morning, and I have to take some antibiotics while it is in.

My doctor was worried about me, and had me call him after the urologist and fill him in on what they said. He told me to call him day or night if I start having any troubles. I can't wait until the phone call tomorrow when they tell me how many fertilized!!!! He also said that Wednesday they will tell me if the transfer will be Thursday or Saturday.

That is it for now people, I am quite feeble right now. My mother is coming over tomorrow while the hubby is gone so she can be my personal assistant. I know it will be worth it, and someday in the future I'll laugh about all of this :)

Sooner Than I Expected

I went in this morning for another US and blood draw. Since it's a Saturday it was a lot less hectic than usual. Dr. Haas drew my blood himself, than grabbed a nurse to assist him with the US. After he was all done counting and measuring, he looked over all of the numbers and told me we are going to do the retrieval on MONDAY!!!! Things are moving along nicely, and he gave me a ton of directions to follow from now until then and I had to write everything down to make sure I didn't forget one single thing!!

Today will be my last Lupron shot, and tonight I do my trigger HCG shot at 11pm sharp. Then tomorrow (hopefully) will be a shot-free day! Sunday evening I start an antibiotic, and will be NPO after midnight. Then Monday morning at 8:30am the hubby and I are to be at the office for the pre-op stuff with my painkiller and Progesterone shot in hand. The retrieval will be around 10am or 11am. Then after that I'm just basically watching for symptoms of hyperstimulation.

He also said he expects to do the transfer on Thursday or Saturday, but most likely Saturday. So after I left the office, I proceeded to call my husband and my best friend Sara to give them all of the updates for next week!!! I can't believe that this time has already come. I know the next couple of weeks are going to be soooo stressful and I'm not going to know what in the world to do with myself!!

I asked him about how many follicles it looks like will be ready for the retrieval, and he said there are about 3 that are really big, about 6 that are just right, and a few more that will probably mature by Monday. So it looks like maybe 10-12. May they be the best 10-12 I have in there!

One Week to Go

Today I went in for yet another ultrasound and blood work with the Haasmeister (I call him that in my head...it makes me laugh). They were running behind this morning so I had to wait for awhile. I was also supposed to bring in the backup sample from hubby, which accidentally got left on the counter because I was in a hurry...so he is a bit perturbed with me. Oh well, that just means I get to see Dr. Haas AGAIN tomorrow morning! Oh, and Friday morning because I have another US and blood draw then too. We're actually becoming BFF.

As for the ultrasound, he measured and counted all of my follicles so far, and said that I will probably have a "modest" amount that will be mature enough to retrieve. That's kind of a speedbump in my thinking, but I'm trying not to let it dishearten me. What I'm really worried about is the quality of the embryoes and how well they develop. If they tell me there are none that are good enough to freeze, then I'll get worried.

The good thing is, I still have a whole week left until the retrieval, so a lot can happen to my follies. I'm still waiting on the phone call from him now to let me know if I need to change dosages of anything. Which brings me to the next subject at hand...

I received 1500 units of Follistim at the beginning of all of this. Well I've been using 200 a day, so that only equals 7 1/2 days worth. I will be taking it longer than that, so I ordered a refill today for 900 more units. Grand total for a TINY vial of miracle drug?? $725! OUCH. Makes my ovary hurt, LOL.

My, What Big Follicles You Have...

Today I went in for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork before I start my Follistim on Saturday. Dr. Haas was looking at my ovaries, and commented that they are more "robust" than my last ultrasound. So he tailored my Lupron and Follistim to try and avoid hyperstimulation. Otherwise, everything else looks good and I will see him again Monday morning for yet another blood draw.

The results of our blood we had drawn on the 8th were back, and we are both negative for all of the STD's they tested for (hurray!). AND, we both have O+ blood type! Now that's a soulmate...

Hope is Rising

I work weekends, and I'm off (and home alone) throughout the week. The bad thing about that is I have time to sit, and think, and read. And hope. Don't forget that one. I have gotten pretty good over the years of dealing with my constant disappointments and broken dreams of conceiving. But just when I'm about to become the grandmaster and start teaching classes, IVF comes along and gets those butterflies all stirred up again.

A part of me wants SOOO bad to just be insanely optimistic and start picking out a crib. But then the realistic part of me knows that yes, about 60% of IVF cycles work in a woman <35, resulting in a whopping 40% that do not work! And of those lucky 60%, only 50% bring home a beautiful bouncing baby (or two). I know that my mom had several miscarriages, but I don't know if that will play a factor in my situation. Now don't be mistaken--we both went into this decision knowing that it was very risky and had a chance of failure. But we also knew that it is our LAST chance to have a natural child of our own. So that cinched the deal. Unfortunately, our loan does not care whether or not I get knocked up, so if our IVF fails, not only will I have yet another period every month, but also a loan payment as a reminder. *sigh*

It doesn't help I have been reading a bunch of blogs by pregnant women...that makes me want even more to be one of them, to be able to step into the role I was meant to do. With each Lupron shot, the hope grows a little more and a little more every day I get closer to the BIG day. My two friends dealing with infertility know the hope I speak of. It is not always welcome, yet nonetheless present and reminding us that we still are only human, and subject to imperfections.

I go in on Thursday for my pre-Follistim ultrasound/bloodwork, so I will post more then to update on the status of my ovaries. This is was mostly to get some stuff off of my chest!

The Notorious "Medication" Picture....

I finally received all of my injectables that I will be using for the next few weeks! They arrived on my doorstep today, and I have them all laid out nicely on display for you:

I'm not going to lie, I'm not all that excited about torturing my body but hey--you do what you have to do to get knocked up!! I have already started the Lupron (it goes in the belly) and it's not so bad. Leaves me a bit sore, but nothing crazy. I did the first one and made hubby do the second one. He freaked out because he's never given a shot before, whereas it's no big deal to me because I do it all the time at work. Except this time, I'm telling myself "Big stick!"

I am very excited about the upcoming weeks. Things will start progressing more quickly after I start the Follistim on the 20th. Then it will be blood draws and ultrasounds every couple of days. I'm hoping that the retrieval/transfer don't happen on days when I have to work because I will have to call in. I am under a contract to work 7p-7a every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and I can't really miss any that aren't scheduled. But they will just have to deal with it!

Wish us luck with our new drug habits, and I will keep you updated!

Another drug, and being tagged!

Hello there, thank you for reading! First of all, my lovely and beautiful internet friend in Tulsa tagged me on her blog to answer a survey, so here you are Krysta!

1. Who is your man? Nick
2. How long have you been together? Together off/on for 2 yrs, then married for 5 1/2 now
3. How long did you date? officially about 6 months, but dated for a month couple years before that until he moved away
4. How old is your man? 27
5. Who eats more? I do when we're together, but I think he does when I'm gone....
6. Who said "I love you" first? He did
7. Who is taller? He is
8. Who sings better? I do, but he's not so bad
9. Who is smarter? If it's computers, him...everything else, me
10. Whose temper is worse? Mine can get bad, but he has less control over his
11. Who does the laundry? Me
12. Who takes out the garbage? He does
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I do
14. Who pays the bills? Anything that starts with a $ goes through me
15. Who is better with the computer? See answer to question 9
16. Who mows the lawn? He does with MUCH nagging
17. Who cooks dinner? I do when I'm off, but he helps alot
18. Who drives when you are together? I do usually cause my car is more comfortable
19. Who pays when you go out? He does, but it all comes out of the same bucket
20. Who is most stubborn? We both have moments
21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? He is cause he's usually wrong, LOL
22. Whose parents do you see the most? Mine
23. Who kissed who first? I kissed him first when I was 12 at a Braums HAHA
24. Who asked who out? It was mutual
25. Who proposed? Again, it was just understood that we would get married
26. Who is more sensitive? Sometimes me, but he can be pretty emotional
27. Who has more friends? Well I've got more acquaintances, but we're about the same
28. Who has more siblings? We each have 2
29. Who wears the pants in the family? Definitely me, but it works out great this way!

Now that that's done, I tag Sara since she's the only other Blogger I know!


For my next drug, I will be starting Lupron injections on Sunday. They are supposed to arrive via FedEx today on my doorstep. Only a couple more weeks until I start THE cycle!! About Lupron:

To treat infertility concerns, a GnRH analogue (agonist or antagonist) is used:

• To closely time and control ovulation before an assisted reproductive technology (ART) procedure by shutting down the pituitary gland. This is called "pituitary down-regulation." At the same time or afterward, an ovulation-stimulating medication is used to trigger ovulation, with the goal of harvesting good-quality eggs on a predictable schedule. Increasing numbers of doctors are now using a GnRH antagonist (instead of a GnRH agonist) at the same time that ovulation medication is used, quickly suppressing the luteinizing hormone that can cause early ovulation.