I work weekends, and I'm off (and home alone) throughout the week. The bad thing about that is I have time to sit, and think, and read. And hope. Don't forget that one. I have gotten pretty good over the years of dealing with my constant disappointments and broken dreams of conceiving. But just when I'm about to become the grandmaster and start teaching classes, IVF comes along and gets those butterflies all stirred up again.
A part of me wants SOOO bad to just be insanely optimistic and start picking out a crib. But then the realistic part of me knows that yes, about 60% of IVF cycles work in a woman <35, resulting in a whopping 40% that do not work! And of those lucky 60%, only 50% bring home a beautiful bouncing baby (or two). I know that my mom had several miscarriages, but I don't know if that will play a factor in my situation. Now don't be mistaken--we both went into this decision knowing that it was very risky and had a chance of failure. But we also knew that it is our LAST chance to have a natural child of our own. So that cinched the deal. Unfortunately, our loan does not care whether or not I get knocked up, so if our IVF fails, not only will I have yet another period every month, but also a loan payment as a reminder. *sigh*
It doesn't help I have been reading a bunch of blogs by pregnant women...that makes me want even more to be one of them, to be able to step into the role I was meant to do. With each Lupron shot, the hope grows a little more and a little more every day I get closer to the BIG day. My two friends dealing with infertility know the hope I speak of. It is not always welcome, yet nonetheless present and reminding us that we still are only human, and subject to imperfections.
I go in on Thursday for my pre-Follistim ultrasound/bloodwork, so I will post more then to update on the status of my ovaries. This is was mostly to get some stuff off of my chest!
A part of me wants SOOO bad to just be insanely optimistic and start picking out a crib. But then the realistic part of me knows that yes, about 60% of IVF cycles work in a woman <35, resulting in a whopping 40% that do not work! And of those lucky 60%, only 50% bring home a beautiful bouncing baby (or two). I know that my mom had several miscarriages, but I don't know if that will play a factor in my situation. Now don't be mistaken--we both went into this decision knowing that it was very risky and had a chance of failure. But we also knew that it is our LAST chance to have a natural child of our own. So that cinched the deal. Unfortunately, our loan does not care whether or not I get knocked up, so if our IVF fails, not only will I have yet another period every month, but also a loan payment as a reminder. *sigh*
It doesn't help I have been reading a bunch of blogs by pregnant women...that makes me want even more to be one of them, to be able to step into the role I was meant to do. With each Lupron shot, the hope grows a little more and a little more every day I get closer to the BIG day. My two friends dealing with infertility know the hope I speak of. It is not always welcome, yet nonetheless present and reminding us that we still are only human, and subject to imperfections.
I go in on Thursday for my pre-Follistim ultrasound/bloodwork, so I will post more then to update on the status of my ovaries. This is was mostly to get some stuff off of my chest!
Oh Kandace, your intellectual realism captures my heart :O)
ReplyDeleteI know the hope you speak of, she is definitely the breaker of hearts, but without her we are nothing.
I pray for you on a nightly basis, and I am grateful that no matter how many times we get let down that the hope we have survives and is still able to give us those butterflies.
I know that one day we will all be the mothers that we yearn to be. && NO MATTER WHAT path takes us there, it will be the right path.
I hope nothing but good things because Lord knows we've had enough of the shitty.
LOVE YOU!!!
You two are doing what a lot of people (such as myself) are so afraid of doing. Taking that leap into the unknown and no matter how you become a mother your future child(ren) are going to thank you for all the lengthy measures you and Nick are taking to bring them into this world to love,care,&provide for them more than anyone ever could!
ReplyDeleteI'm always here-and will continue to pray for you and Nick just as I do for all of us infertile people. :0)
You are feeling what all of us have felt. Just stay positive, because it doesn't change anything if you aren't so you might as well be positive! I'm praying that your cycle WILL work so that you don't have to worry about your infertility ever again. I pray for you everyday, you are on my list with a few others in our same situation. Just remember that this isn't in your control, just do what the dr tells you to do, but other than that, it's up to the doctor, then after the transfer it's up to God. What I'm saying is DON'T WORRY. STAY POSITIVE. HAVE FAITH.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to keeping up with your cycle!
As people remind me constantly, "there is always hope!" That is what I cling to.
ReplyDeleteI felt with each shot I took, the more hope and excitement I had. I didn't mind the shots at all in the end! (I freaked with the first one though!) Stay strong!
I understand about the loan too! We too pay on a loan each month that we took out to pay for IVF. It really doesn't bother me though. My father-in-law told me you can't put a price on a baby and if I have to pay on a loan for the rest of my life, it will okay.
I struggle reading pregnant women's blogs too. I want to BE them and experience what they do so much. I am so jealous. It WILL be us one day though! I claim it and believe it!
Good luck at your appt. tomorrow! It will be super!